‘I fell apart many times
What does that say about me
I live through
As the year winds down, people either become one of two people;
- Relaxed and excited for the holiday season, planning their vacations, excited & hopeful for what 2018 holds or;
- Anxious and demotivated at work, feeling like they have not achieved anything this year, fearing 2018
No one outside of my inner circle would fully understand just how difficult this year has been for me, a large chunk of this year has been filled with depression and stress. A lot has happened within my personal and family life that has brought about a whole new level of anxiety I believed people were being a tad bit too dramatic about. I think the hardest part has been separating my brand from my personal struggles because as a blogger you allow people to see a glimpse of your life, so separating huge parts of it can be difficult.
The problem with depression is that you can’t really see it at first, you don’t see many signs except maybe the person slowly pulling away, in which case you become offended and there’s a breakdown anyway. It unfortunately affects every aspect of your life and although people did not see that on my Instagram feed (obviously), I do feel like I was blocked creatively and found it very difficult to write and be positive and I physically shut down.
The problem with maintaining a brand that runs parallel to your reality is that there is a lot of pressure to do and be everything. Work out, travel, look good, drive a nice car, post a picture about it, be friends with cool people, slay, eat at Tasha’s, post a picture about it, get a degree, earn a bomb salary, get a good weave, buy a house, post a picture about it, get a boyfriend, make sure his smart and funny and hot and kind and has a great job and post multiple pictures with stupid captions about it.
Perceptions have been derived from our feeds whether we are bloggers or not. This cannot be controlled but one must be sagacious in the pursuit of your brand. Bloggers instagram feeds have become pivotal to their brands and an aesthetic pleasing to others must be sensibility pursued. So how is this pursued with still affirming that we’re approachable and have real life problems and eat Nandos with our hands and buy koeksisters with the coconut on a Sunday because that’s what ouma made when she wanted to spoil you. How do we explain peoples perceptions of us versus our reality, should we?
The perception is that I travelled a lot this year but the reality is that I was broken for most of it and needed a safe space to go away and not think about my problems.
The perception is that I’m a bad friend and could make more of an effort the reality is that I stayed home and looked after my mom who wasn’t doing well for the latter part of the year.
The perception is that I’m balling and must have a blesser but the reality is I own my own business, I work hard and rely on myself to make money, if I’m not working there’s no money boo.
The perception is that I’m pretty and must have guys knocking down my door, the reality is that I attract the right kind of wrong and if you haven’t read my dating series, I suggest you go find out exactly what that implies.
The point is, this social media world I find myself in is NOT reality, its a small insight into a much fuller life filled with its problems. You go through highs and you go through lows. I’ve learnt to live in the moment and celebrate the happy ones, I’ve learnt that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes and that if you are really lucky you can rely on special people because they are willing to be a cornerstone.
I’ve learnt that life has its hard knocks and it’s okay to stop and take stock but don’t stay there, keep moving forward even if there isn’t a clear landing in sight. I’ve learnt that mental illness isn’t a feeling and you should be more aware of those around you struggling on the inside. Just be a friend, just listen, just be present remember you don’t have to take on their burden you can just be there to help make it lighter for them.