I’ve never considered not getting married, I have always had this idea in my head that I would have this random meet cute followed by a whirlwind romance,  get married and live in my perfectly curated instagrammable  ‘I paid too much money for this but its okay ’ kinda apartment . In the last 3 months I have been re-evaluating what marriage means and if it is for me.

If you cut a piece of guitar string / I would wear it as a wedding ring

~Carly Rae Jepsen

I have uttered the words I love you to precisely four men not including family and platonic friends. And I have always imagined I would love my husband one day but that’s sort of changing, I think.

Apart from observing marriages in general, particularly people in my circle, I don’t think that married people are completely honest to us unmarried people about what it truly means or the hard work it really involves. What I find extraordinary too are generations before me and how they never spoke about the negatives of marriage. They were sort of taught to find someone, get married young, have babies, shut up and smile about it. And something in me just needs more than that. Something in me needs more than ‘just love’.

A few months ago I met somebody I never thought I would ever be attracted to or even consider him ‘boyfriend material’ and yet here I was, talking to him  every day getting to know him. Hashtag open-minded. Hashtag new me, who dis.  Nothing ever evolved from it but it did seem rather natural, easy if you must. He made me feel special, no insecurities, open communication, smart conversation, definite long-term material (if I had to contextualize it for the sake of this piece.)

I never caught feelings for him but I could definitely see myself co-existing  with him. Start a family, build businesses together, make rational decisions, pay taxes, lay on the couch, watch movies and travel kind of co-existing. Which I guess is what the mechanics of marriage essentially boils down to, but I had skipped all the romance; the bollamakiesies in my tummy, smiling when he texts me, the calls to my girls about ‘how reg’ he is and then eventually have the ‘is he the one’ moment. None of that ever happened.

He’s stopped texting me now but he still watches my instastories and occasionally DMs me which tells me he ain’t over this nyash, hellurrrrrrr.  Jokes aside, we’re totally chilled. But to be honest, I miss him, not the him that popped off on me that time when I was hanging out with another guy but I miss the guy that sent me sweet texts like this one, lets analyse…

1. I’m the number one priority, yes bitch you better know it
2. He has a car, these are basics
3. He works on weekends, okay I don’t love it, but he’s committed
4. Hashtag he ain’t stealing my money (all shade all T intended)
5. He has his own house, no bumming, staying at your place and not paying rent

My immediate thought was that this was me maturing or that being interested in an older guy (his about 10 years my senior) made me think of things differently. Do we change the way we date after 30? Is the fact that we would be great together in a business sense trump the fact that I probably would never love him in the traditional sense? As much as I’m well aware that relationships and the people in them constantly grow and change, could I just skip the whole love part? That seems rather cold-blooded.

Which leads me to where I am today, not sure if marriage is for me. Maybe this is just a phase, perhaps it’s a decision that might stick. If I could consider someone ‘marriage material’ but not exactly fall inlove with them. Have I been hurt so badly that I now make outlandish theories on what this all means?

Statistically 2^nd or 3^rd marraiges are happier than the 1^st. Does his mean age and maturity affect marriage or just knowing what you are getting into makes for realistic expectation management?

Marriages also go through stages of crisis where people usually get divorced;

Year one – this was lekker thanks but the honeymoon is over

The seven year itch – sounds more like an STD

Empty nest syndrome – who are we without the children

I wonder if my rationale will dissipate if and when I meet somebody who embodies everything I  want. Will I revert back to my girlish ways or will this slightly more cynical new Bronwyn stay forever?  Is waiting for a text to light up my notifications and not being able to tell xanex from voltarin because he was the only thing on my mind really necessity?  Or perhaps this is just me learning balance and constraint, or maybe I’m just justifying my life because that’s easier than realizing you’re actually a huge ass mess. Ha!

Follow your brain, your heart is an idiot ~